What do I do now?
This year hasn't been too kind to me, first I lost 12,000 followers and was almost at 13,000....I could have easily had a lot more than that if it weren't for Pixiv turning on "threatening" art genres before they outright turned on photo-realistic 3D artist entirely. And now I heard from another artist I know that Pixiv is banning anyone from the UK or the US from even being able to post on the platform at all regardless if it's in 2D or 3D.... Why? I don't know, maybe because they got tired of dealing with the West harassing and being a fucking dick. But rather than cutting off Mastercard, Paypal, or who ever they do business with....They turned on the artist instead of the corporations who are disrespecting Japanese culture and Japan's right to host whatever they want on their own damn platform.
Of course Pixiv betrayal is one of those things I'll have a tough time forgetting and getting over...But it's not the only conflicting problem I've had to face in 2024 so far....Other than that, my GPU started giving me issues, a lot of bugcheck error crashes including issues with Nvidia's drivers not working too well with my faulty graphic card. I tried everything to rule out the cause of this goddamn problem, even followed every guideline on how to correct it, unstalling drivers, reinstalling windows, sfc, etc nothing so far worked.
The only thing I didn't try is changing the GPU to see if that's the problem. When I finally did revert back to my lousy 3060 from a 3090 which is a massive downgrade...I haven't gotten any bugcheck errors so far while rendering but I also can't render most of my scenes either including some of the heavy ones I rendered before in the past with my 3060....For some reason it's not rendering much at all so either that GPU is a failure or something with Daz isn't working right with 4.22
Whenever I try to render something my machine just reboots and stops working, it never does this when I'm just browsing the web or watching something...It happens only during rendering. I don't want to make this entire blog about a GPU/Driver problem....In all fairness I'm just trying to figure out what to do now, now that I don't have a way to create anymore, or a large enough audience to rely on once I start to sell anything....Which is never at this point.
But ever since I was in the third grade I got a lot out of telling stories. Story Book Weaver was one of the best programs of the early 1990s for juvenile creative minds that wanted to learn how to create their own stories. They made it easy to get started, but if you didn't have the ideas you were lost.I was terrible at it back then...But I still spent hours playing around with the program because of what it offered. When I don't have a way to create something or if I go too many days without a way to develop content, then those days turn into months or even a year..... I start to lose my mind... I really need it because it's a coping mechanism for me at this point now. I use my art to get through tough and hard times.
Therapy and all the psychological visits I was making back and forth in and out of the office wasn't helping me. Every therapist or psychologist I've had I told them why I was creating the kind of content I was creating, and why it gave me a purpose to make this material. I didn't too much elaborate on specific ideas such as, "So I create a lot of women with dicks sexually harming other women and girls or just violent themes in general, dicks or not. What do you think of these themes?"
vehicles to this, then improved the lighting by 70%
Sometimes I might do something with a Japanese Yokai that's half man and half woman that can change their body shape (just the upper part)...Or I've never spoke about any extreme controversial themes and ideas either although that's only because I don't think they'll understand. I remember this artist long ago went and told their psychologist they were real fond of loli art, and they told everyone that their psychologist had no problem with it, that they encouraged them to embrace those ideas they had.. I'm thinking "What kind of psychologist did you have?"
Psychologist and therapist aren't really useful anyway when you have a darker mind, especially one like mine. There are no limits up there to how far it's willing to go when I'm alone and miserable. I start to think about things no normal person would think about psychologically or even artistically. Sometimes medical professionals all they want to do is put you on medications. Medications won't do anything but reduce your sexual urges which is what most anti-depressants will do to your sex drive. It'll make you feel impotent.
Take that junk long enough it could become permanent and make your sex drive remain lower the more you depend on the drug to get over a different problem that can't really be solved with anti-depressants. After you do this back and forth a number of times you'll get tired of it and look elsewhere for alternatives.
I don't recommend liquor and heavier drugs to fight inner demons either.... Poisoning yourself to combat pain will only strengthen the demons and make them stronger than yourself... I generally make garbage decisions when depressed,
disappointed, upset, or just downright lost.
At least clinging onto my artwork gave me plenty of purpose even during times I felt directionless and disconnected.... Medical professionals don't too much give a damn how bad you're ailing, or how depressed you really are. I could tell by how some of them spoke to me over the phone they didn't care how much pain and suffering I was in. The tone in their voice was the reason I stopped going and taking their damn calls when it sounds like someone is talking to you like they are unsure on what advice to give. I just could no longer stand talking to people that didn't care what the hell was going on with me. Likewise... My art was always a gateway to escape the real world for a little while. Never to avoid it completely since I'm always up to date with world wide events...Not that it's healthy to be depressed over stuff that make you feel helpless as hell.
It took me awhile to figure out what I wanted to do when I finally learned how to use Daz and Poser though. Now I strictly use Daz, and have even tried a few things in Blender.. But this morning after I kept getting bugcheck errors and my machine rebooting over and over non-stop. At the end of the day, nothing gets done fooling around with an unresponsive PC all day......I was so damn pissed I felt like throwing the PC out of the window, then I said "What do I do now?" I didn't have an answer... I have nothing to do but sit here and think...Alone, isolated, and lonely as ever with my thoughts....Creating stuff at times kept me calm for a little while... It was never a permanent fix for what ails me day by day. And my employment opportunities still seem rather slim to none as well....Hopelessness, that's what I feel right now.
