To finish or not to finish...
It's hard becoming motivated when you feel neglected by people you thought were your friends. I've been quite bitter all year long, and being distracted by politics doesn't help much. At least I found a website I can vent on politically among people who don't know anything about me as an artist. When I want to discuss how much I hate war, the gov, and so on, I no longer talk about it with anyone besides people who care as much as I do about where we are headed in this garbage war of endless bullshit. But when I'm bored I indulge in the happenings outside of the fictional world when I'm not doing something destructive to myself that is, and I do a lot of self inflicted harm, most of it mentally and psychological related rather than physical related, I don't cut myself, drink, or any drugs.
The best way to deal with my situation and problem is to do something mentally mind stimulating besides a few images to post on Baraag in order to keep everyone concentrated on one of my creations. I have my days when I just don't feel like creating complex sex scenes and I'm finally starting to understand why StevenCarson prefers to do all those easy as hell pinup images.
Without my 12,000 followers completing my graphic novel won't serve a purpose as far as selling my work goes unless I can advertise it on X/Twitter and that's only if the audience there is okay with violence and gore because it is a horror story fused together with thriller... Therefore there are death scenes, rape, a woman forced to swallow several bars of soap and then pukes it all up before she gets gagged to near death on a cock and almost dies.
There's all kinds of uncomfortable elements in there which the Twitter/X crowd might hate me for... So I'll post the cover art from the books, and post up a warning "This book contains EXTREMELY DANGEROUS content that will make you explode from excitement or maybe you aren't Thriller enough to challenge your own comfort zone. But that's fine because I have no intent on building up anything on X/Twitter in the first place. From what I can tell Musk flip flops around the idea of "freedom of speech." And people are still being expelled from the platform.
I have no faith in baraag's dead end community at all either. I did try returning to X/Twitter because it's a lot bigger with more people.. But I'm slowly gaining followers there since I don't post enough content I guess. I'm most likely going to discontinue as I see no reason to build an empire there. They'll never understand me or my perspective anyway.
I spoke about retiring a few times, but I think 2025 will probably be my final year doing any of this. I've had it with feeling as though my efforts aren't worth shit, and Baraag only makes it worse when some of the work I post there doesn't get much attention. Pixiv is the one platform I truly felt elevated on that no matter what I created, people enjoyed it in large numbers.
With that said, I had plans to just finish my novel since I already completed 40 panels, my target was 150 pages before the book would be finished. At least the first chapter. There were going to be three books but I could just reduce it to two unless I'm feeling creative enough to go for a third story.
People sometimes ask me quite often "where can I buy your comics?" Because for some reason they think I still make them. Trouble is I haven't created or sold any books in over 4 years. My biggest challenge is that any time I start working on a book, I screw something up whether it's the story, bad lighting in too many scenes, or just poor choices and decisions...This was a major problem with those women in prison graphic novels I created back in 2020, I ruined a few of my best characters because of it.
I had plans to redeem myself by redoing all three books over again and just ignoring the forth book the one I didn't get to finish because my Graphic card malfunctioned and I wasn't able to replace it at the time. So I ended up postponing the book for a long time and then I just ended up forgetting about it. I was really bad at writing in the beginning, and didn't understand what the hell I was doing. I was so ecstatic about creating a graphic novel and comics that I rushed into it without taking out the time to study how to properly write a detailed story. After I made an attempt with my latest graphic novel Shadow Hill Escape From Echidna Asylum, I got much better at writing and all the scenes have perfect lighting.
After Silent Hill 2 Remake was released last month, I managed to get my hands on a few of the models for Daz studio, so far the only one I don't have is Eddie. 3DUK released Laura and Maria but he got the skin all wrong... They are both too damn tan... Plus even worse I can't edit the face of Laura because he made the whole character a full body morph only and this is why I hate some of his models. I prefer being able to edit the faces and body's separately if I don't like the shape and normally I do not use default body morphs, I make my own. I'll only use the face morph if the face looks 100 percent like the character from the game and if necessary I will make alternations to improve it.
Another porter released Angela a few days ago on Deviant Art and I honestly hate what Konami did to her fucking face...But I created my own while only using partially the remake version, my version of Angela looks 100 percent like the original Angela from SH2. I just need to make her more paler and give her a dark circle look under her eyes to make her appear depressed and exhausted. I only used half of the remake morph at around 20% the other half is entirely created from scratch by me.
This is my version of Angela.. Looks much better than that crap the remake developers did to her. In this scene she is being harassed by officer Cybil after she was pulled over with two other women (Mel and Leah). Having a dirty cop appeal doesn't exactly fit Cybil's personality, but I wanted to make her into this aggressive lesbian officer that takes some interest in Angela.
We won't see Angela until Book 2. So far I do not know what her initial role will be and she is not the protagonist, Gretchen and Veronica are the two main protagonist. But because of the remake I finally have an Angela character even though I had to make my own on top of the remake version..They made her look too old like a 30+ year old, and her face isn't shaped correctly. In the original she is at least 18 years old I believe. It's beyond me why the developers failed and couldn't replicate the PS2 version. She's got a big head in the remake. I think the voice actress was also trying too hard to replicate the voice actress from the original, failed miserably at it too.
Anyway I feel that once I finish my book I will either work on another new story or maybe go back to doing single image and one page comics like I've been doing. They aren't exactly as fun as making a full graphic novel, but those usually get overwhelming, and irritating after awhile when it takes forever to complete a full book. I assume this is what it must feel like for animators too. I didn't want to finish my graphic novel at first and the only reason I quit halfway through is because I was kicked off Pixiv and lost my motivation to continue. The number one thing about graphic novels is that there is a lot to take into consideration. Environment building, character creation, all sorts of things.
But after today I was looking over what I did so far with the first book, and I just felt like doing something that would make me feel at least somewhat "accomplished." It could be a waste of time but the thing about these graphic novels is that they allow me to flesh out my characters more.. I believe if I could make enough then these books might elevate me more...But it's really hard to say.
Like I said, I don't have the support anymore like I use to, and Baraag feels like a dead end, a step down back to year 2012 status when people barely knew who the hell I was. Another issue is time, I've been trying to find full time employment since I don't make anything from my art unless someone pays me for a commission, and those are usually rare to get these days with so many people living frugally and so no one can really afford to pay for anything.
Therefore creating these books might just be a waste of time, or an opportunity to close out 2024 with something major I finished. It depends if I can complete one book before the end of December but I wouldn't be able to finish the whole saga of Gretchen and Veronica's story arch involving them fleeing from a mental asylum and into the dark eerie streets of Shadow Hill where they are confronted by the town's psychotic inhabitants and the monstrosities lurking in the dark. And because a vendor I know that goes by the name Summoner has been on a role lately making lots of monsters.
My Shadow Hill series finally have the type of terrifying creatures I've been dying to use for awhile in a horror tale besides my very own female Pyramid head. I was able to create 4 new scenes this week to help give myself some inspiration on what direction I'd like to take these books. Now that I finally have the demon nurses to join in on the non-stop horror erotic action, I can really make the most of the books, and I already had my own Mannequin monsters I created myself since I doubt any vendor will ever bother to make the ones from the game and even if they did, i prefer my own over their video game versions because, they look sexy enough to fuck! Heh! heh!. These vendors usually port whatever they believe will sell. I love having variety in my work to keep things interesting. Thankfully I was creative enough to create a lot of what didn't exist before with the few tools I had available to me.
Another thing is that my depression contributes a lot to how much I can get done...It also breeds a lot of darker ideas into my mind, which is why I create a lot of the things I create. Once I start to feel suicidal, lonely, sad, or even upset with the chaotic world around me. I lose all sense of humanity... That's when I dive headfirst into ideas that are so brazenly horrifying I sometimes scare myself. But I'm not ashamed of my ideas, I do quite love the majority of what I come up with.
