Where do I go from here?
Last night I did a lot of thinking because I had nothing else to do besides explore old ideas from a long time ago that I don't really mess around with anymore. Those ideas just wouldn't blend in very well with everything else I'm creating. I actually felt rather strange after running into a lot of my old artwork from my poser pro years, and I was thinking how I've gone from a lot of that to what I'm currently doing now. So I keep some of my old ideas privately vs promoting any of it publicly because then it ruins the rest of my work, at least that's how I feel about it.
I think these days when artists experiment with specific ideas they usually keep a set of images they look over in private to determine whether or not they should let those images go public to see what the reactions might be among their followers. But of course if that artist is already well established then I think they would have less to worry about. I do a lot of thinking these days because I don't have much of an outlet to host my work on anymore and now I just constantly contemplate whether or not I should retire and create art privately just to have something to do until I find a full time job somewhere.
I don't know what it is really, because I envy the work of others and that's probably why I never bother to discuss my own work in my blogs that much. As the years continue to go by I start to have more doubts about where I stand in this whole explicit content creation world I'm surrounded by.... Sometimes I question myself a lot and it's easy to become doubtful about the future if it isn't going so well, and then that's when I wind up feeling like this tragic individual. Trapped in a room with closing walls that have spikes sticking out of them about ready to impale me dead.
Another thing that's been getting to me lately is just overall the lack of recognition in general... I don't exactly want to be very famous or popular, just realized enough to know that people actually care that I'm still around or that I still bother to create something. Three days ago I was working on my graphic novel that I was committed toward finishing since I've probably rendered over 200 scenes for 60+ panels I've completed... I started doing all kinds of things with certain segments because like I said before I like to experiment with certain concepts even if it might make some people uncomfortable. But a lot of what I do now is some of the same things I use to do before in the past it just looks a lot better, and it's not as randomized anymore.
Just that when I feel ignored or overlooked it kills my mood by 50% and the other half is ruined by sitting here wondering what I did wrong or didn't do "right." So far all the art I've been putting up on X/Twitter is really tame content, nothing really "offensive" or too extreme to make someone gnash their teeth. You know like the first image I used for this blog at the very top for instance is the kind of artwork I'm posting on X/Twitter. So when I noticed the cross and the religious painting in the image, I took it down and said to myself If any Christians on X see this, they might complain and claim it's offensive to their religion.
Well I guess I'll go and listen to some more Ugly Kid Joe, lately I've been really loving he hell out of that Milkman's son song a whole lot.. Yesterday I replayed it at least 15 times back to back, not even kidding the song is that good! And the music video is even better, the lyrics talk to me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnQgmD3CS34&list=LL&index=1 The song definitely reminds me how fun and excitable the 1990s was... If only I can get that feeling back again maybe I wouldn't feel so down, and miserable... But I'd be a liar if I didn't admit the song did make me feel really good yesterday replaying it over and over on my loudest speaker...The bass is dangerously incredible. For the first time in so long I actually felt real enjoyment. For a moment I was able to just forget all my troubles and suffering. It's my official feel good song, even if it's just temporarily.
