Why do so many artist struggle with suicidal thoughts?

 

Suicide is a very tragic thing, but it seems to be one of those problems that many artist I have known struggled with before in the past. I don't know what it is about us that have these thoughts, maybe it's due to the lack of real world love, joy, and value. Some of us spend a tremendous amount of time propped in front of our work stations creating artwork for the audience or we're drawing by hand on a piece of paper because not everyone uses tablets to create with. At times we get distracted by terrible thoughts that cause us to have regrets about being alive.

 In my case, I've struggled for many years trying to find a purpose and I have always wanted to know why I existed in the first place. The trouble is when I was growing up I endured quite a lot just to stay alive I mean it was no easy task. Another problem is getting older and struggling with the current era, not being able to cope or move forward even though I honestly don't want to. I use to hear people all the time saying things like "we have to get with the times." They weren't directing that toward me, it's just what I use to hear people say.

I look at what the world has become today vs what it once was years ago when I was still a child running around on stage at school performing in assembly plays in front of a live audience. I was contended with the life I was given back in those days. Today? Today there's nothing in this current era worth fighting for whether it's living for another year just to experience more political bullshit that killed all the damn joy and ripped the heart out of everything that people once enjoyed before in the past. Or just enduring another full year of hopelessness, distress and out of touch political figures exploiting people's emotions for their own gains.

When I look at the direction the world is heading in I find myself always returning back to the past just to avoid the future since I hate the present. Some artist they use their artwork to cope with whatever reality they are facing but suicidal thoughts is a big part of what some of us are. I believe artist that spend a lot of time developing gorish imagery, artist such as myself that produce a lot of sexual violence and abusive material we struggle and often suffer the most from these thoughts.

 I'm not saying the content I develop is to blame for the thoughts I have because I create what I create to fill in the void where such content I produce doesn't exist from the minds of someone else. Sexual violent material has it's place, some people may find it offensive or worrisome. However, I don't advocate for any of the dark deeds that occur in my work.

I believe art is an outlet for a lot of us to use when everything else let us all down. Many artist are so deeply tortured by their dark urges that the only way they could truly feel safe at all is if they just didn't exist anymore. I haven't met a lot of artist like this, but I did meet someone long ago who was in his 60s struggling with this problem. I tried to understand what was going on in his personal life since I never kept any secrets about who I was. 

I'm someone who just has a history with dominant thoughts or witnessing women taking control over other women and so that has played an integral part in my own content. I remember him telling me how his wife left him because of the type of artwork he was producing, but she felt guilty for abandoning him and came back. After that she agreed to support him instead of judging him...I got to thinking she's an old woman I assume, had she been younger or had more options right after discovering your artistic secret that you were using to cope with those forbidden urges you were having. She probably would have left you for good or maybe sold you out. Of course he wasn't the first and only artist I met with a tortured frame.

When I was an active member of  Renderosity, I met lots of people in their 50s and 70s, all of them were artist and some of them even became good friends. I got to see real photos of their families, their home life, they were willing to be open about who they were as a sign of trust to me so I felt an actual connection with them vs not knowing what the majority of artist I socialize with looked like today. 

I've also come across artist on numerous other platforms that have a history of visiting therapist and psychologist just like myself. These individuals were the victims of battling thoughts of ending themselves. Back in the day I met a lot of body cutters that dealt with this problem by cutting their arm...There was one particular girl I knew that showed photos of the deep cuts she made on both her left and right arm.

This seem to be the reasonable option for those of us that felt we had little to no support and were hanging by the moment. People go through a lot of struggle before they feel this need to call it quits and put an end to it by giving up their lives to the hand that feeds them. Suicidal individuals are then considered to be "selfish." I never agreed with this since some people family members honestly wouldn't care. It's not like everyone have someone in their life that care about something tragic happening to them. There are people that really have NO ONE.

Years ago I was quite fascinated with suicide because I would always read about some famous person taking their lives....People that had everything, wealth, fame, and never having to want for anything in the world....Then I realize that none of those things brought people happiness like they thought it would...Something else was missing from their lives that drove them over the edge if they couldn't obtain it. Dying by ones own hands became a staple of artist everywhere with various reasons.

 I admitted several times to my psychologist before that my art is how I cope and combat my struggles with the real world. Because without it then I feel quite vulnerable and exposed. Granted my artwork does not protect me from having suicidal thoughts, it does not contribute to these thoughts either, when I think about violent themes or sexual abuse within the art world. I accept it as a moment and time as a means to avoid the end if it ever comes down to that. 

I've admitted before to others including some of my fans that I am unstable.... I am a very sick human being and I don't mean this as a figure of speech. I do all that I can and being able to construct my artistic vision. It provides me with the ability to carry forth. As I said before, it's a big part of who I am. My artistic world is a reflection of the man in front of you. A tortured individual suffocating with chains around his neck wondering what the year 3000 and beyond will be like for the artist of the next generation when we are all gone.

I didn't just wake up one day and these dark thoughts randomly appeared inside of my mind. Back when I was 14 years old I would have wet dreams about women sexually harming other women and I became so hooked on the dominant nature of women in those moments, I spent endless nights and days watching fake rape involving women sexually molesting other women. It was then I accepted the idea and I thought nothing of it.

It's because that's what my heart was feeling, and my heart was telling me to embrace those dark images within me instead of running away from them or having the belief that it's going to cause further harm to me or those around me if I didn't stop creating the content to combat my depression. I would normally feel that useless women in the world deserved to be punished. As time went on my thoughts became more serious on an artistic level. Musicians all the time write songs about what they feel, and they sing these songs in order to connect with the audience. 

People like myself live isolated lives at time, too much time spent away or alone can cause people to feel trapped in thought. Too much isolation or alone time can lead to unpleasant thoughts.  There have been a number of times when I would hear things in the middle of the night, or even see someone standing in the dark in my living room...Of course it would just be my own imagination, that or either I was hallucinating from taking too many sleeping medication pills.

As an artist myself that creates a lot of Lesbian themed fictional art that involves sexual abuse, I don't see myself as any of the characters causing harm upon another person even if I were to center the focus around characters that were male doing these things. Those characters are just a big part of my own imagination.  I would like to discuss this in a separate blog someday regarding these themes that became a part of my imagination.

I think what people fail to understand about most artist is that too many of us are ill and mentally sick to some degree or another whether or not these artist want to admit that or not. We tend to come up with abnormal things that no ordinary person can even think of unless they were either drunk or high off drugs.

Normal minded people don't have fantasies about sexual violence, murder, death, and ending ones own life on a regular basis nor do they have fantasies about doing these things themselves to others or visualizing it happening to them as the victim. Only people with some inner suffering tend to have a strong relationship with such dangerously dark thoughts and imaginations. These thoughts can easily drive some of us insane and possibly to committing suicide depending on how far gone we might be. Others are perfectly fine and not affected at all by their dark thoughts so none of it has any negative affects on their well being. Some people are driven by dark thoughts to do dark things, people like myself I express these feelings and actions through my fictional works of art versus acting them out.

I have heard some artist say "My art is not a reflection of who I really am as a person." I believe my art to some extent is a reflection of who I am because my thoughts are my thoughts. The more pain I feel the darker my content becomes, the more hatred and bitterness that fuels my inner rage, the more intense my ideas get. If I feel warm enough on a day I'm not suffering from suicidal thoughts....Then I create a image that reflect those warm feelings. Not everything I do is connected to sexual content either. I've been known to break away from this material to pursue none explicit ideas that benefited me mentally.

 

Pyramid Head is stressed out...He needs Heather.

 

However I am a lonely individual that feels trapped, lost, forgotten, and so when I feel the desire to create something. I turn to the dark side of myself for answers on how to cope with these difficult problems I face alone. I believe artist just don't want people assuming the worst about them so they deny that their artwork reflects who they are as a person. People may not want to be associated with the idea that they are promoting violence against someone, or whatever theme they are creating that doesn't have much of a positive outlook or reflection.

 

 As for myself I don't care enough about the real world to concern myself with whether or not my art is promoting something because I know that's not what my intention is. My intent is to create a way to deal with thoughts that make me feel suicidal or depressed. My art doesn't make me feel worse than I already do. Reality does this because I live in a competitive overbearing society with too many policies in place for the common man and none for those at the top that believe I should accept being unhappy and not owning anything. Hearing some out of touch elite assholes talk like this about me or people in my situation angers me on the inside.

 

 I have my own philosophies. And I believe that the art we produce is a big part of whom we are even if we do not advocate for the things that occur in our imagery. For centuries artist have used art as a method and way to express themselves. It is a process that will never ever become obsolete. The content may become and look more advanced, but today people still draw by hand or paint with real paint brushes when they aren't using digital software to make things with.

Art is an outlet to combat depression for many of us which is why a lot of artist rely on it to help during desperate times. And this is why censorship can be problematic for specific artist relying on their content. Although they may be forbidden from advertising their content on certain platforms. No one can stop them from producing the content behind the curtains. In my case, I don't like creating anything I'm unable to show to the public.

 If I created it even for coping reasons, then I at least want to share it with the people I get along with, and the people who have shown interest in what I'm doing. If I'm forbidden from doing this, then that becomes a problem I have no trouble asking questions. 

Censoring artwork was never about protecting people from harmful imagery or someone has condemned as being harmful. People censor art because they are sensitive to the content themselves and so it becomes a personal issue for them to simply forbid anyone from producing it. Of course I'm not just referring to pornographic art, I'm talking about art in general.

One thing we never stop to think about is that...If we take our life, there is no turning back, we can't hit the reset button and just start over anew....That's it...We get one chance in this world to make something of ourselves and if we somehow fail...We have to live with it or keep on trying over and over and over until there is some form of success...

The people that do give up and leave the world because they are tired of always fighting the same old battles and war every day... I of course do not frown upon them. I understand. We can only put up with so much in this decaying world. My patience is quite low these days between all the people that just don't care what happens to you, the people who want terrible things to happen to you, and just feeling like life was never intended for certain people...It becomes rather apparent, my purpose on this earth was to struggle, and then die a miserable human being if I could never make it. For others, their experiences are different from that of my own so I cannot dictate nor determine what their personal experiences are with death and facing the end.